Clint Barton's Days Off
by MysteryGal5
Summary: What was Clint up to during the fall of SHIELD? Spoilers: not dealing with HYDRA. / What was Clint up to before Thanos' snap? Spoilers: not fighting Thanos. (Avengers Endgame Prequel / Crack-Fic / AU)
1. Day One: Cap's a What?

**Thank you to Princess2018 for giving me this story idea a very long time ago. I genuinely love writing these kinds of crack-fics, especially from Clint Barton's POV. I wish he was like this more in the movies (or actually in the movies lol).**

**Also, this is possibly my favourite fanfic of mine to date so it just had to be published before the release of _Avengers: Endgame_ and on my birthday.**

**Please keep in mind that Clint's family from AoU is NOT CANON here. I have nothing against them; it just ruins the jive of the story and to be honest, I was a Clintasha shipper from day one (and still am).**

**All rights go to where they belong. I do not own these characters. I just hope you enjoy this :)**

* * *

Day One: Cap's a What?

"Come on!" Clint exclaims grunting with all of his might as he pulls against the chain. "I already paid my price so you're supposed to cooperate!"

Clint grasps on the cold metal so hard that he can feel his biceps about to pop out (not to the extent Captain America would have when doing something as simple as turning on the faucet, but in that range of power). He exhales exhaustedly, tightening his fingers so hard that they turn completely white. But, when nothing on the other end budges, he finally gives up, dropping the small chain and leaving it to dangle. He's embarrassed and defeated. He's one of SHIELD's master assassins and an Avenger and yet, he couldn't detach a stupid grocery cart from its row.

Clint sighs at himself, wiping the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand.

"Great…" Clint mutters bitterly. "Now my hands smell like rusty metal."

Clint wipes his hands on his shirt as he walks away from the cursed grocery carts and resorts to using a basket. Other people and employees of the grocery store stare at him strangely, some parents hide their young children behind them; and Clint whistles casually as he starts his shopping. If only they knew that he was an Avenger who saved them from that alien invasion, then they would not only be starstruck but give him their shopping cart.

Speaking of New York's alien invasion, that happened two years ago and it's only _now_ that Clint got his well-deserved time off. It's just that SHIELD had so much to deal with in terms of, what they called, _intergalactic relations_ with the new emergence of aliens, gods, unknown power sources, and the successful development of The Avengers. So for that alone, they needed all the agents they could have, even those still training in the Academy (though they were given more basic tasks like organizing files and answering calls). And because Clint was brainwashed by Loki, he was debriefed to the T on what happened with Loki and if he still remembers it all.

Lucky for the other Avengers, they just got to leave after their shawarma outing.

Yup. Even after being brainwashed, fighting aliens, and almost dying; SHIELD still found it necessary to juice him to a pulp. But at least they gave him his time off, right?

_Right?_

Putting his pettiness towards SHIELD to the side, Clint decided to spend his first day of vacation - or freedom - by restocking his apartment with food. He came back from work only to find rotting food growing new life specimens and so he had to put on a gas mask and hazmat suit just to dispose of it. Then, he had to decontaminate his entire kitchen and air out his apartment because aside from the growing population on his food, his place looked inhabited for decades.

It was a long morning, but now he's hungry and needs to stock up.

Clint starts in the cereal aisle, looking at all the colourful boxes and prices, trying to debate with himself on which kind of cereal is better. There were some dull and boring boxes, but they were averagely priced and healthy. But then, there are the bright and vibrant boxes and even though their prices are all over the place, they were full of sugary goodness and sometimes toys.

"This one has a 25% chance of having a toy bow and arrow on it!" Clint exclaims excitedly, throwing a few boxes into his basket just to increase his chances of getting his desired prize.

Before Clint could continue his venture through the grocery store, he feels his phone ringing in his pocket. He looks at the screen and sees that the caller ID says Natasha's name. Clint answers it, about to tell her about the _amazing_ morning he had so far but when he opens his mouth to start talking, the other side starts and it's not Natasha. It's a voice recording and it's still not Natasha. _It's Alexander Pierce._

An annoyed shiver runs down Clint's spine. He didn't expect to hear the voice from one of his bosses on his day off. _ It has barely been one day_. This was probably a practical joke from Natasha and he was so going to get her back for it. That is until he heard what the voice memo was saying:

_'__Captain Rogers has information regarding the death of Director Fury. As difficult as this is to accept, Captain America is a fugitive from SHIELD.'_

The call abruptly ends and Clint can't help himself but laugh. That was the best joke ever: Fury being dead and Steve a criminal. What's next? Stark's bankrupt? Natasha's not a natural redhead? Thor's secretly a human? Bruce is a high-school dropout?

That sense of humour was all he needed after his trauma from New York. For all he knows, all of that is just a ruse to get him to clock in.

But his view changes when his phone starts getting messages from almost every SHIELD agent who has access to his number and they're all telling him the same thing: Fury's dead, Cap's wanted, Romanoff's MIA (and most likely with Steve), and for him to come into work. Clint is wary now because SHIELD would never go along with a simple prank from Natasha, especially after New York.

That means it must be true and if it was, then it is certainly hard to believe. But even good people can do bad things if given just a little bit of reason. Steve definitely has a story for whatever Pierce was talking about and Natasha is probably with him. Fury is a different story that he didn't want to look further into.

Either way, he's not going to work. Not only is it his time off but he doesn't want to get involved in that mess.

Instead, Clint ditches the basket of sugary cereal for a box of bran cereal because that whiplash of news is going to paralyze his digestive system for sure.

-o-

A few hours later, Clint comes out of the bathroom with the sound of the toilet flushing and air freshener filling the room (as well as the scent of whatever _fresh laundry_ means. Speaking of fresh laundry, he doesn't have any which he should probably change, but maybe later). He shouldn't have eaten all that bran cereal to cope with the possibly fake news of Fury being dead and Steve a fugitive but now, he feels refreshed and cleansed on the inside. He literally feels ten pounds lighter. And now his place smells fresh which is a bonus for everyone.

Clint heads over to the couch and takes a seat, accidentally sitting on the remote. He pulls it out from underneath him and turns on the television. It's a news station and his jaw drops open when he sees the breaking news is live footage of a helicarrier flown right into the Triskelion with the caption: _SHIELD HAS BEEN INFILTRATED BY HYDRA_.

Clint has no words or a sarcastic comment towards that situation. It is truly mind-boggling for him. Once the television starts talking about something, it's no longer a joke. Especially if it was coming from the mainstream news.

Clint gets up and runs into the kitchen. He pours himself some more bran cereal into a pitcher of coffee he possibly made this morning. Clint swishes it around together before drinking it like a casual beverage, chewing the partially-mushy cereal pieces. He heads back to the living room and takes another seat. Combining two diuretics is not a great idea but he would rather deal with his bodily shit than whatever shit SHIELD is going through.

Clint glances back at the television and raises the volume to hear the leaked audio recording of Steve exposing HYDRA earlier.

_'__Attention all SHIELD agents. This is Steve Rogers. You've heard a lot about me over the past few days. Some of you were even ordered to hunt me down.'_

Clint nods his head. He was one of the agents asked to do that but he opted out and pretended he never got the call. Even if he was out on the field pointing an arrow at his spangled friend, he would just point him in the right way to get the hell away from SHIELD.

_'__But I think it's time that you know the truth…SHIELD is not what we thought it was. It's been taken over by HYDRA. Alexander Pierce is their leader.'_

Clint grits his teeth together. That son of a -

_'__Striker and his side crew are HYDRA as well and I don't know how much more, but I know that they're in the building. They could be standing right next to you. They almost have what they want: absolute control. They shot Nick Fury and it won't end there. If you launch those helicarriers today, they will be able to kill anyone who stands in their way unless we stop them. I know I'm asking for a lot but the price of freedom is high; always has been, but it's a price I'm willing to pay. And if I'm the only one then so be it, but I'm willing to bet that I'm not.'_

Clint exhales. That was a lot to take in and he's glad he'll have a lot to push out later. He's just confused as to why this had to happen the one time he has time off. Like, how unbelievable is that? At least he now knows that Steve isn't a criminal. The real criminals were the ones calling him the criminal so therefore, they were the criminals.

Clint takes out his phone to text the group chat and sees what he should do now. Maybe he'll even find out Natasha's location.

_[Group Chat - Fury's Angels]_

_Clint: What the hell is happening? What do I do?_

_Fury: Just don't fuck up._

_Clint: …wow, you should be a motivational speaker._

_Fury: I don't need your attitude right now._

_Clint: it's sarcasm :)_

_Clint: WAIT, I THOUGHT YOU DIED!_

And now, there's no answer. Sometimes, no answer is an answer all on its own. Or maybe there was no emojis catered to supposedly dead people with eye-patches. (That answer was probably the right one).

Some people exist in your life to make it better and others exist to make it worse. Too much is happening all at once. He is overwhelmed with old memories and new impressions. Captain America was a fugitive, Director Fury is possibly dead, SHIELD is infiltrated by HYDRA, his boss is HYDRA, and all of SHIELD's secrets are now exposed to the world. This all seemed like one big crack-fic located on the internet but it's real life. _He was off for one day and now he feels betrayed._ Maybe he should've shown up to work and none of this maybe wouldn't have happened (he says as if his presence is that notable).

It sucks when life moves on without you, but sometimes, it's better to just watch it implode from the sidelines. As long as he wasn't getting burned, which he wasn't, he couldn't care less about what happened.

"Whatever," Clint states, deciding to go nap instead. Maybe he'll wake up and this would've all been a dream. And if he sleeps with the sheets over his head, that'll _definitely_ keep HYDRA away from him.

* * *

**Yes, I'm aware that Hawkeye was supposed to be in CATWS. I honestly wish he was but then this chapter wouldn't exist.**

**_Stay Tuned_**** \- What was Clint up to while Thanos was completing his rock collection?**


	2. Day Two: Thanos Who?

**This author's note is coming from MysteryGal5 a day after she watched the first _Avengers Endgame_ trailer for the first time. After seeing the seemingly dark Clint Barton, I cannot take this story seriously anymore which, in turn, makes me love it even more.**

**Another note from MysteryGal5 sometime after she watched the second _Avengers Endgame_ trailer: she can't take this story seriously even more now.**

**A third and final note after MysteryGal5 watched the two new TV spots: Clint Barton with his tattoo sleeve was something I never knew I needed.**

**Anyways, HAPPY ENDGAME DAY! (If it could even be classified as happy). ****The movie was accidentally spoiled for me because I was watching a _Cloak and Dagger_ promo and some asshole decided to overtly spoil the entire movie in the comments. So, yeah, I know what happens. I know the ending, I know who dies, and I'm sad. But this chapter will hopefully make us happy. **

* * *

Day Two: Thanos Who?

Clint paces back and forth across the dark floor in the same path so much that it created a groove on the hardwood. (He really doesn't want to put a rug over that but he has to cover up the ugly floor somehow). He holds his phone to his ear with his shoulder, frustrated beyond belief at the man he's talking to. Clint crosses his arms even though that will have no effect on the outcome of this phone call.

"You were supposed to have the delivery here ten minutes ago!" Clint yells.

_[Some inaudible and stupid excuse is said on the other side]_

"What kind of service are you if I have to pick it up myself?" Clint asks rhetorically. "This is a life or death situation and the odds of me dying are severe."

_[another inaudible and stupid excuse]_

Clint scoffs. "_Overdramatic? Me?_ Hell no. I'm just a man who is incredibly disappointed in your customer service and trust me, I've dealt with Tony Stark before and even though he was an ass back then, he's a complete bastard now. I vow to cut all ties with him from this day forward. He's basically dead to me, but I bet he would deliver. Well, he only would just so I'd stay locked up but you get the point!"

_[another inaudible and stupid excuse without any comments on Tony Stark]_

Clint sighs. "Please, man, I'm desperate."

_[another inaudible and stupid excuse]_

"If I could pick it up myself, this conversation would've ended before it even started. Trust me, man, I need it delivered. I literally cannot leave my house."

_[some inaudible and stupid excuse, no apology]_

"You know what?!" Clint yells. "Keep your damn pizza!"

He hangs up the phone in an instant, throwing it across the room in pure rage. He watches it fly, hit the wall, and the fall to the ground on its screen. Clint narrows his eyes at it before realizing that his phone is his only means of communication with the outside world for a bit. So, he gasps a little melodramatically as he runs over to check if it's okay and his phone still works even if it has a shattered screen. _All this because he never got the damn pizza he ordered._

"Well, shit…" Clint mutters, deciding to leave his phone where it landed. "Stupid house arrest…"

After the events of the Sokovian Accords and the equivalent of a civil war between the Avengers, some of Steve's team got arrested by SHIELD and made plea deals. By _some_, Clint means one size-changing person named Scott Lang who, like him and not Sam or Wanda, made a deal of house arrest. Clint feels pretty salty about Steve breaking out Sam and Wanda and not him. But did Clint really want to be on the run? Nope. It's not like Sam sacrificed his retirement just to fire some arrows against Tony's team. Truth be told, the whole event confused him. He was only there to repay his debt to Steve and Wanda and now, he can't even leave his apartment. _He hates that ankle brace he can't hack into or blow up with an arrowhead without the authorities showing up to shoot him._

_The things he does for friends. _But, at least he wasn't being hunted down.

Why couldn't he be locked in one of Stark's houses, preferably one on an island? Sure, being on a Stark property will bother him but at least he'll have some stuff to busy himself with, a view to look at, and ocean sounds to fall asleep to. The view outside of his apartment is literally another apartment (and not a pretty one) with the melodious sounds of harmonizing traffic and sirens to doze off to.

-o-

Clint isn't completely sure how he got in this position, but all he needed to do was change a lightbulb and now he's somehow dangling from the gaudy chandelier because his useless ladder has fallen to the ground. He believes that's some foreshadowing but ignores it. This ugly chandelier came with the place and never needed a lightbulb change until now, of all days, when he just _conveniently _had to be under house arrest.

However, Clint isn't scared of falling to the ground and breaking his entire body. He's more scared of getting electrocuted since he forgot to turn off the power source in the fuse box that powers this chandelier (but even if he did manage to locate the fuse box, he wouldn't know which switch to flip. And for all he knows, he'll end up electrocuting himself with the fusebox or turn off all of the power without being able to restore it). This is incredibly dangerous and possibly deadly but since he's doing this for the first time, he believes that he has beginner's luck.

If anything, he was going to die from inhaling all the dust that's up here (because who actually dusts up here?)

"Yes…" Clint mutters when he manages to loosen the dead lightbulb. Since he is using one arm to hold himself up on the chandelier (he applauds the appliance for being able to hold up his weight) and has his other hand holding the new lightbulb, he's sort of stumped right now.

But he has to give himself credit for actually having spare lightbulbs.

Then, it hits him that he has perfect aim. First, he holds the new lightbulb in with his chin pressing it against his chest. He unscrews the old lightbulb and throws it over his shoulder where it lands on his couch. Then, he takes the new lightbulb and screws it in. Once it's tight, its blinding light shines and because Clint forgot that was going to happen, it startles him. He lets go of the chandelier and drops.

Lucky for him, he didn't land on the floor. The fallen ladder broke his fall. Clint grunts as he rolls off and repositions himself to be on the floor but on his stomach. That was going to leave strange bruises on his body.

He's been through worse. He's been thrown off of exploding buildings and aircrafts, so why did a two-foot fall end up hurting so much? Maybe it was because he's technically on a day off.

-o-

Later, Clint turns on the television to catch the last fifteen minutes of some foreign soap opera he's been binge-watching during his whole house arrest. He has no clue what's going on or what it's called, but the plot always thickens and the title has the word 'days' in it somewhere. However, when Clint turns to the channel, he sees Stark's face and gags. Apparently, his daily soap got interrupted by something _important_ by Stark.

Clint narrows his eyes as he watches Tony talk about whatever. Is it new? Is it old? _Doesn't matter_. Stark's the reason he's under house arrest so, in response, Clint leaves the channel on and stands up. He responds to Stark's appearance with both of his middle fingers and a little dance to emphasize his gestures. Was it petty? Sure. Was it immature? Yes. But was it necessary? Of course.

"Hey, remember when we were friends?" Clint boasts with a loud laugh as if the Stark on television could hear him. "I do. But sometimes, honestly, I'd give anything to forget...but if you brought me a pizza, we'd be friends again."

He didn't choose this life. Nobody in their right mind would. But this is his life. Not only does he (sometimes) enjoy it, but it guarantees that he gets some fresh air and exercise once in a while, and it helps pay the rent. (Speaking of rent, was his overdue?)

-o-

A random scream from outside wakes Clint up from his mid-day nap. He sits up in his bed, haunted a little, waiting to see if that scream was real or something he dreamt. When another scream follows, Clint's inner hero comes out. He throws his blankets off of him as he jumps out of bed and runs out. He runs towards his balcony and jumps over the railing right onto the fire escape. He begins scaling the stairway until he reaches the ground. Clint runs through the alleyway and stops at the sidewalk of the main road.

Clint looks around chaotically, finding the source of the screams but instead hears a small beeping. _Maybe it was a bomb threat._ Then, Clint realizes that the small beeping sound is coming from his ankle brace because he left his property under house arrest.

"Ah, shit…" Clint mutters.

Clint begins to head back to his apartment but stops when he thinks about something odd. The time it took to for him to leave the radius of his property and run outside was plenty of time for the authorities to arrive. And even if they were already at his place and couldn't find him, they would've certainly checked the parts of his streets already with their weapons flying around, especially since he didn't go that far.

So why was nobody here to drag him back to his apartment?

Whatever. Clint considers their tardiness as a blessing. Now, he can run back and play it off as a technical error. Or, he can run and get a pizza before heading back, _and then_ play it off as a technical error.

When he starts walking back to his place, he hears more screaming and turns back around. Clint's heart stops and his jaw drops when he sees cars abruptly stopping on the road because the drivers were _literally_ disappearing into thin air by dissolving into dust. He sees the same thing happening to random people walking on the streets: couples being separated, parents dissipating from their kids or vice versa. Even birds from the sky and telephones wires were vanishing. Clint looks down at himself and is relieved that he's still here, at least, for now.

"…maybe I should go back inside…" Clint mutters as he spins on his heel to head back. This is something his bedsheets might not be able to protect him from.

Clint rips off his ankle band and hears a nearby car's radio saying something urgent about people random vanishing, but can't get a good grip on the message due to the static and the commotion happening all around him. He feels his phone vibrate in his pocket and pulls it out. His phone is still shattered but he can still make out the message from some unknown number. He knows that it's someone from either SHIELD or The Avengers because the message is:

_Thanos got all the Infinity Stones. _

_[attached is a blurry and pixilated picture of a giant purple alien creature wearing some odd glove that has six glowing lights of different colours emitting from it]_

_Half of the universe is being decimated._

_Please tell me that you're still here._

_We need you._

Clint doesn't respond to the text yet because he didn't really understand it. What's a Thanos? What are the Infinity Stones? And how is that making people disappear? Clint needs answers. This was worse than New York, Ultron, and the Sokovian Accords combined. He has to do something, but he isn't sure what or how. For starters, he doesn't know where to go or who's still around - _if_ anyone's still around.

Clint runs a hand through his hair, trying to come up with a strategy. He looks to the side and sees a dog walking on its own. The poor dog probably lost its owner or never even had one. Clint approaches it to pet and comfort it, but as he touches its fur, the dog disappears into dust like everyone else. Clint stands there frozen, speechless. He has seen a lot in his days but that was the worse of them all.

_Nobody. Messes. With. Dogs._

Clint immediately starts running back to his apartment to suit up. He needs to take action _now_ before this _Thanos_ does something else.

Do you want to know why bad things don't happen to Clint? Why he didn't vanish into thin air? Because he doesn't let them. If he's going to screw up, he knows to do it when he's young so that the consequences aren't as bad. And now, still, in the prime of his youth (at least in his opinion), he's angrier than The Hulk. Some take advantage of him because he only uses a bow but that's the thing about people who are soft and get vengeance over poor dogs. Everyone else thinks they can walk all over them as though they won't notice, especially big raisin-looking titans with a sparkly rock collection on his fist. But the thing about soft people is that they notice _everything_. They're the ones who are constantly adapting and making it all work, they can handle major ups and downs.

Effective immediately, Clint Barton is going to go back to work.

* * *

**And that completes the third story of mine in which Clint Barton is the central comedic joke and I couldn't be more proud. I had an absolute blast writing this. Thank you to all of you who have read it and enjoyed it! Please leave me a review saying what you thought. This story is technically completed but if Clint is ever rejected from a future team Marvel movie or one that he should've been in, then you know I'll be back here.**

**Before I go, do not hesitate to give me a story idea to write. I write most of the suggestions but just like this story, it might take a while to be published.**

**~ MysteryGal5**


End file.
